i have been going through old files on my computer and found this one.. had a good chuckle! hope u do too! sorry for length! Things you should have learnt by middle age.
If you're to open minded, your brains will fall out.
Don't worry about what people will think; they don't do it very often.
It is'nt the jeans that make your bottom look fat.
Artifical intelligence is no match for natural stupity.
The idea of housework is ti sweep the house with a thorough glance.
No evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than to get permission.
If you look like your passport picture, you could probably do with the trip.
Bills travel through the post twice as fast as cheques.
A conscience is what hurts whenyour other parts feel good.
Eat well stay fit die anyway.
Men are earth women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot in the process of doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
Middle age is when braodness of mind and narrowness of mind change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Junk is something you,ve kept for years and throw away three days before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you torecognise a mistake when you make it again.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
If you must choose between two evils, pick one you,ve never tried before.
----------------
What if the hokey cokey really is what it is all about?
Angus McDonald had died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
He said to St Peter 'Ah'm Angus McDonald. Ah've bin a gud man all ma life, an' Ah want ta come in'
'Oh! Don't know about that' said St Peter, 'I'll have to go and have a word with the boss.'
Off he goes and returns about 10 minutes later.
'Whal? D' Ah git in or the nay?' said Angus
'No, sorry mate.' said St Peter,
'Hows tha' then?' said Angus, 'After all Ah've bin a gud man all my life!'
'Well,' said St Peter 'We're nay makking porridge fur one!'
----------------
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalisations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbours newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
----------------
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the (sometimes brilliant) answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense Rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q:Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Mmmmmmmmm .
----------------
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Following the Government's Freedom of Information Act, you can now get
access to speed camera offences registered in the last 12 months. Did you
know that every time your car goes past a speed camera, even 1 MPH over the set limit, it is registered and put on a database??
You only get a ticket if you are way over the limit or, (this is the bit we
didn't know) if you receive 20 near misses, you will be classed a serial
offender and get a ticket the next time you go over the limit.
This is why you hear of some people being done for 34 mph in a 30 zone,
and others not being done for going at 39 mph. You can check if there is
anything against your vehicle at the following address: -
You will be asked for a password, but just click on the need a password
link and you will be given one for future use. If there is any data on
your vehicle, you can click on the camera window to see a copy of the
photograph.
This photo will come in handy if you challenge any charges.
----------------
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
On the subject of speed cameras, a mate of mine was approaching one and for a change was under the speed limit. However, he decided to flick a couple of fingers at the camera and gave it a silly grin. He got done for driving without due care and attention because he had both hands off the wheel.
The European Union(EU) has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite n styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. we haf wayz of makin yu talk to pepol.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
----------------
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
----------------
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Alan Minter -
"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator -
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and
it was amazing!"
New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator-
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
Winston Bennett -
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Murray Walker- F1 Racing Commentator -
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
identical."
Greg Norman -
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my Father and Mother."
Terry Venables -
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again."
Ron Atkinson -
"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the
premiership, but there are none better."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio -
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field"
David Acfield -
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for
even longer."
Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live -
"What will you do when you leave football Jack? Will you stay in
football?"
David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics -
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class."
US PGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that
before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh
my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
True Story -
A female news anchor who, the day after it was suppose to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
----------------
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
In the back of beyond in Ireland, Paddys wife went into labour in the middle of the night.
A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous husband busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here Paddy, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Paddy!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Paddy scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat der light that's attractin' em?"
----------------
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
In the back of beyond in Ireland, Paddys wife went into labour in the middle of the night.
A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous husband busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here Paddy, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Paddy!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Paddy scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat der light that's attractin' em?"
This is my favourite.
----------------
"Nothing in biology makes sense, except in the light of evolution" - T. Dobzhansky
In the back of beyond in Ireland, Paddys wife went into labour in the middle of the night.
A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous husband busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here Paddy, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Paddy!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Paddy scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat der light that's attractin' em?"
Rank: Talc
Joined: 28/03/2006
Points: 36
i have been going through old files on my computer and found this one.. had a good chuckle! hope u do too! sorry for length!
Things you should have learnt by middle age.
If you're to open minded, your brains will fall out.
Don't worry about what people will think; they don't do it very often.
It is'nt the jeans that make your bottom look fat.
Artifical intelligence is no match for natural stupity.
The idea of housework is ti sweep the house with a thorough glance.
No evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than to get permission.
If you look like your passport picture, you could probably do with the trip.
Bills travel through the post twice as fast as cheques.
A conscience is what hurts whenyour other parts feel good.
Eat well stay fit die anyway.
Men are earth women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot in the process of doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
Middle age is when braodness of mind and narrowness of mind change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Junk is something you,ve kept for years and throw away three days before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you torecognise a mistake when you make it again.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
If you must choose between two evils, pick one you,ve never tried before.
What if the hokey cokey really is what it is all about?
Rank: Calcite
Joined: 29/01/2006
Points: 236
What has 2 wheels and travels at 60mph under water? A motorpike!
What has 3 wheels and travels at 60mph under water? A motorpike with a side carp.
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 20/11/2004
Points: 688
Angus McDonald had died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
He said to St Peter 'Ah'm Angus McDonald. Ah've bin a gud man all ma life, an' Ah want ta come in'
'Oh! Don't know about that' said St Peter, 'I'll have to go and have a word with the boss.'
Off he goes and returns about 10 minutes later.
'Whal? D' Ah git in or the nay?' said Angus
'No, sorry mate.' said St Peter,
'Hows tha' then?' said Angus, 'After all Ah've bin a gud man all my life!'
'Well,' said St Peter 'We're nay makking porridge fur one!'
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 20/11/2004
Points: 688
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalisations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbours newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 20/11/2004
Points: 688
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 02/08/2005
Points: 906
A lion, a bear and a chicken are sitting in a pub discussing which one's the hardest.
The bear says "When I growl, the entire forest runs for cover."
The lion says "That's nothing. When I roar, everything on the plains of Africa shakes with fear."
The chicken thinks for a while then says "Funnily enough, when I sneeze, the entire world **** itself."
Gus
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 20/11/2004
Points: 688
Some humour to lighten up your day:
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the (sometimes brilliant) answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense Rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q:Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Mmmmmmmmm .
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Rank: Talc
Joined: 02/05/2006
Points: 26
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "we dont serve your kind here!"
The mushroom replies "why not? I'm a fungi!"
Rank: Corundum
Joined: 18/12/2006
Points: 3524
All the "jokes" so far have been truely groan-worthy
Keep 'em coming!
Geologists are gneiss!!
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 20/11/2004
Points: 688
on a more serious note......
Subject: Speed Cameras
Road Traffic Speeding Cameras
Following the Government's Freedom of Information Act, you can now get
access to speed camera offences registered in the last 12 months. Did you
know that every time your car goes past a speed camera, even 1 MPH over the set limit, it is registered and put on a database??
You only get a ticket if you are way over the limit or, (this is the bit we
didn't know) if you receive 20 near misses, you will be classed a serial
offender and get a ticket the next time you go over the limit.
This is why you hear of some people being done for 34 mph in a 30 zone,
and others not being done for going at 39 mph. You can check if there is
anything against your vehicle at the following address: -
http://www.e-database.co.uk
You will be asked for a password, but just click on the need a password
link and you will be given one for future use. If there is any data on
your vehicle, you can click on the camera window to see a copy of the
photograph.
This photo will come in handy if you challenge any charges.
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 02/08/2005
Points: 906
On the subject of speed cameras, a mate of mine was approaching one and for a change was under the speed limit. However, he decided to flick a couple of fingers at the camera and gave it a silly grin. He got done for driving without due care and attention because he had both hands off the wheel.
Gus
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 08/09/2004
Points: 695
Why did the orange stop rolling?
'cause it ran out of juice!
Rainbow Stitching Club - why not pop in for a visit?
---
Archerfish - get paid for clicking your mouse!
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 20/11/2004
Points: 688
The European Union(EU) has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite n styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. we haf wayz of makin yu talk to pepol.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 20/11/2004
Points: 688
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 20/11/2004
Points: 688
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 20/11/2004
Points: 688
Subject: Sport's Commentator Slip Ups
Alan Minter -
"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator -
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and
it was amazing!"
New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator-
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
Winston Bennett -
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Murray Walker- F1 Racing Commentator -
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
identical."
Greg Norman -
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my Father and Mother."
Terry Venables -
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again."
Ron Atkinson -
"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the
premiership, but there are none better."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio -
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field"
David Acfield -
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for
even longer."
Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live -
"What will you do when you leave football Jack? Will you stay in
football?"
David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics -
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class."
US PGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that
before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh
my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
True Story -
A female news anchor who, the day after it was suppose to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Rank: Talc
Joined: 19/12/2005
Points: 37
What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?
Dam!
What is green and has wheels?
Grass - I was just kiddin' about the wheels...
What's big, red and falls out of trees and kills people?
Firetrucks!
What's brown and falls out of trees?
Dead monkeys
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A Fsh
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They re-arranged the furniture/put doorknobs on all the walls
All who believe in telekenesis raise my hand
Okay, enough for now.
"No vestige of a beginning and no prospect of an end"
-James Hutton (1795)
Rank: Gypsum
Joined: 02/07/2006
Points: 61
My kids like this one.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Rank: Calcite
Joined: 13/09/2006
Points: 122
Q: What music do geologists like?
A: Rock music
Rank: Apatite
Joined: 20/11/2004
Points: 688
In the back of beyond in Ireland, Paddys wife went into labour in the middle of the night.
A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous husband busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here Paddy, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Paddy!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Paddy scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat der light that's attractin' em?"
John
Civilisation exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
Will Durant
Rank: Feldspar
Joined: 01/06/2004
Points: 1091
In the back of beyond in Ireland, Paddys wife went into labour in the middle of the night.
A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous husband busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here Paddy, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Paddy!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Paddy scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat der light that's attractin' em?"
This is my favourite.
"Nothing in biology makes sense, except in the light of evolution" - T. Dobzhansky
Rank: Fluorite
Joined: 14/09/2006
Points: 292
I think thart this one is my favirote too!
In the back of beyond in Ireland, Paddys wife went into labour in the middle of the night.
A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous husband busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here Paddy, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Paddy!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Paddy scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat der light that's attractin' em?"
Rank: Fluorite
Joined: 14/09/2006
Points: 292
Found this site today:
http://winn.com/bs/education.html
main page is
http://winn.com/bs/
I particually like the one about things to in an elevator!
good reading!
Rank: Calcite
Joined: 14/09/2006
Points: 100
Don't forget the good old geology jokes!
Q: How fast did the Moine thrust move?
A: A mylonite
Rank: Calcite
Joined: 29/01/2006
Points: 236
Corduroy pillows are making headlines across the nation!